Putting your ex on pedestal
“Rejection creates and fuels obsession.”
Many people tend to put someone on pedestal when they desire that person but cannot reach them. This person can be a dumper or someone who rejects the romantic interest. This person is not only a human being anymore. They become the representation of their ideal. This is especially true during breakups. The dumpee may sink into despair and because the dumper left, they turn into almost an idol.
This idol is not the real person. It is created out of obsession and feeling low. When your partner dumps you, they reject you. This rejection fuels obsession and puts this person on a pedestal. And you turn this person into an idol and you are now earthly and they are heavenly. Because your ex doesn't want you anymore and this makes you feel not good enough for them.
This idol and this thought only exist in your mind. And you need to get out of it as soon as possible. You need to realize your value. I don’t care how invaluable you think you are or how valuable your ex is. Even if your ex was more valuable than you (believe me\ no one is more valuable than you for you), the real value difference is still a fraction of what you construct in your mind.
You also don’t see the pain your ex would be going through. You only see how happy they are. You see the relief stage.
I always hear this: “But he/she seems so happy in social media / class / work. How can he/she get over me so easily?”
If you are also asking this question, I want you to find a mirror and slap yourself in face while looking into your own eyes. Stop being enslaved by your emotions and start to think. This is not how human beings work. No one forgets another person this fast! Realize that you want them way more then they want you. Your ex seems so valuable because you want them and cannot get it. When someone is not available, that person is more valuable. At least in your anxiety and despair infested mind.
But now you know the relief stage. You know this is most probably the image your ex is showing to the outside world. But your ex did not forget you or did not easily get over you.
So now you need to break the idol. You need to break it and make your ex a normal human being again. The first thing you need to do is to stay clear away from their social media. Stay away from their online stories, posts, etc. Stop the online and offline information flowing from your ex. This is the first step to turn this Olympus worthy demigod into a mortal human being again.
Second, you shall have no contact. If you reach out to your ex, this will enforce the image of you (mortal peasant) chasing your ex (mighty king / queen). If you do this, then this stupid myth will shatter. If you were less valuable than them, you would chase. You are not chasing so your mind will soon reattach to the reality and understand that you are also valuable. In fact, this is your world and in it, you are more valuable than them.
Everyday you stop the information flow from them and you don’t reach out, you will regain power. Everyday you stalk them or reach out, you will lose power. Believe in this process. I have seen many people who felt very down and sinked into their emotions. Just applying full no contact, they could not resist to grow stronger. They were almost completely healed after a few months.
Third, why not make yourself more valuable. Everyday you do no contact and instead spend time on personal development, you will get stronger. Don’t worry if you don’t want to do anything at the moment. Just do it.
Many people think they will first feel good and then they will do something. But in the real world, action comes first and emotions follow. You do things and then you will feel good.
Patience, discipline and hard working are powerful medicines. They can heal you very fast. They can move your emotions from deep negative to bright positive. As you change, you will feel better. I had many clients who applied patience, discipline and hardworking and after a few months they started to think that maybe their ex was not good enough for them anyway. Many of these were dying to get their ex back but when the ex came back, they refused them.
Again I am not saying give up on your ex but wouldn’t you want to have the choice to choose to accept them or not? Wouldn’t you want that power and option?
So don’t apply no contact rule as merely not reaching out to your ex. This rule rises on three legs:
1 - Not reaching out
2 - Stopping information flow from your ex
3 - Working on yourself with patience and discipline.
Next Chapter Does my ex think about me?
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