Stages your ex goes through after breakup

 Table of Contents
Previous Chapter:  Mistakes that will make you lose your ex forever 

If you apply No Contact Rule with patience and discipline, your ex would most probably go through several predictable stages. These stages are not mathematical formulas since there are people involved in it but they are usually gone through a specific order and at the end lead your ex to reach out to you. It is very important to be aware of these stages since their existence will give you a good idea about why you should be patient and do no contact. It will also let you know why your ex is doing some of the things they are doing.

Before going into these stages, I want to reemphasize the process your ex goes through before the breakup.

Breakups almost always develop within weeks or months. As long as there is a traumatic event like cheating or violence, a dumper does not wake up one morning and decide to dump his/her partner. Breakup usually appears as a weak idea a person fights with through weeks or months. For this reason, even if your ex was stone cold when they were making the “talk”, they did not come to that point easily and they also felt a lot of pain.

But for the person who is dumped, it is usually a shock. Actually, there are usually signs if you are open to reading them, many cannot do this because of the emotional investment. When they read them, they also usually ignore them by rationalization.

Since it is a shock for the dumpee and he/she goes into panic mode, the dumpee does not realize the fact that the breakup was a long process. And because of this, they think or hope that they can talk their ex out of this.

But this pleading is usually like trying to convince someone to change their religion or political view. People usually ego invest in these thoughts and it is almost impossible for you to talk them out of their beliefs. Since your ex thought about the breakup for a long time, they are also quite invested in the idea at the point of the breakup especially on the day of the breakup.

This is one of the reasons you should immediately accept the breakup and go into no contact period. You are not ready to fight, they are too invested in the idea and you are weak at that moment.

This does not mean the dumper is 100% sure about his/her decision. This is very rare. BUT on the day of the breakup and in the following few weeks, they are sure enough to not be affected by what you would say.

This also does not mean that the power imbalance and their conviction about the breakup will stay the same. They thought about the breakup but they have not lived and felt it. They have not tasted a life without you yet. If you give your ex a chance to live through the consequences of the breakup, you can restore the power balance and they can be gradually less sure about their decision.

Don’t worry if you tried to talk your ex out of the breakup on that fateful day or immediately after. In fact, if you have not cried a lot or begged this is a good thing (if you cried a lot or begged you still have a chance).

Let’s go through the stages after breakup. Your ex may not go through these (i.e. if there is another person involved) but these are quite common stages. Some people may skip a stage and some others spend much more or less time in any stage than the average times given here. Don’t try to turn this into mathematical formulas.

Stage One : Relief

Yes, relief. How does someone feel relief after dumping their partner? Are they cold hearted psychopaths?

I know this is hard to hear. And no, they are not cold hearted psychopaths but this is usually the first stage they need to (and you need to) pass through. They are relieved not because they dumped you. They are relieved because it was a very difficult and painful process to come to that point especially after a long and happy relationship. They know this will hurt you. And any normal person would dread to do that talk. But now it is over. They are relieved. They are relieved to leave that process behind.

They are also relieved because they still don’t know how life feels like without you. Dumpers usually have a subconscious thought that the dumpee is still there waiting for them for a while. You would want them back. This also helps the feeling of relief. But this relief stage is also the worst time to want them back.

If you continue to plead or even beg, they will initially be sympathetic to you. They may feel sorry and compassionate for you. They would usually talk to you and show understanding. But if you continue this, they will turn cold and ruthless in a very short time. Initial compassionate messages like “I still love you”, “I still miss you but I need to find myself”, “It is not you believe me, it is me”, etc. will turn into direct and ruthless ones like “I don’t want to see you again”, “I don’t love you”. Push more and you will be blocked.

It is common for a dumper to talk about fate, accuse the environmental factors, accuse themselves (it is not you, it is me), etc. This is much easier and human to say compared to telling the truth: they don’t have emotional / sexual interest in you anymore. They would hope that you will give up on your own so they don’t need to hurt you.

Don’t believe in these words and think if you try hard, you can change things. Don’t be stupid and think “he/she still misses me but because things or his/her emotions are so complicated, he/she cannot come back to me”. Or something like this. These are BS. It is not that they are confused. They just don’t want to hurt you more.

As you go into no contact, your ex will go into this relief phase. If you leave your ex with his/her decision, this relief phase will be relatively short. How long does the relief phase last?

If you continue to pursue your ex, they will go into this phase later, the phase lasts longer and worse, if you try hard you can make this phase permanent.

It depends on the person and the relationship but if you immediately apply no contact, it would take 2 - 3 weeks. If the breakup was difficult and you tried to talk your ex out of the breakup, if you pursued your ex long enough and your ex started to act cold and ruthless, this phase may last longer. A few months longer! This is one of the reasons you should go into no contact and you should do this as soon as possible. Unfortunately, many people do not know this phase and they are brainwashed to think that in order to get your ex back, you should pursue and don’t give up. They also make this pursuit as emotional and painful as possible which would also increase the length of the relief phase.

Going into no contact has one more benefit and this is quite important. As you know, no contact does not only mean “not reaching out”. A significant part of the rule is to stop information flowing from your ex. No social media stalking, story watching, friend and family connection. This information blockage will prevent you from seeing what your ex is doing during the relief phase. This is important because many dumpers really behave relieved during this phase. They look much happier after the breakup and they may do a lot of activities with friends and people you don’t know. All these would push you to paranoia and depression if you are not aware of this temporary phase. Remember: Your ex is relieved from the painful pre-breakup process but has not tasted your absence yet. It is most probably a temporary phase.

It is better not to see this phase. If you don’t shield yourself, you will be very anxious and scared and do things which you would later regret like reaching out with anger. Don’t block them but stop this information flow as soon as and as much as possible.

Don’t panic. Because this phase is short lived if you use No Contact Rule and the next phase kicks in.

Stage Two: Curiosity

Dumpers usually feel like the dumpee will reach out. They also feel like the dumpee will pursue. They ended the relationship so they are “better”. Why wouldn’t the dumpee reach out and/or pursue? They are dumped so they are not as good as the dumper.

This is the arrogance of the dumper. The breakup may be hard and painful for the dumper. They may say this and also add things like “I wish it did not end like this” or “you are very valuable for me” or “I wish the universe was aligned for us”, etc. But they will initially think that they are better and you are not good enough for them. This is not intentional but they feel better and happier than you.

I know I am a little bit harsh on you but this is the fundamental thinking after the breakup. They are not evil, this is human nature. All of us compare ourselves to others all the time.

BUT, wait a minute!

You (hopefully) did not pursue or stopped the pursuit. You accepted the breakup and basically disappeared.

What the hell is going on?

If they are better and you are not good enough, how could you just accept the breakup and go?

Why aren’t you messaging and calling? Why aren’t you fighting for the relationship?

You see, if you apply No Contact Rule, you would shake the world of the dumper. You won’t behave as expected. And this would quickly turn the relief phase to curiosity phase. Where are you? Why aren’t you reaching out?

In fact, all you do is to leave your ex with their OWN decision and moving forward in life. They were supposed to move forward and live you behind but you turned your back and walked away! The dumper should see this and they would see this. The arrogance of the dumper wants you to chase them, this makes them feel good. Even if they would reject you, they want to be chased. When you don’t pursue, they start to feel hurt.

Let the dumper feel the consequences of their decision.

Give them the gift of missing you.

Give them the time and space to realize the void left behind you.

Let them wonder where the hell you are and what the hell you are doing.

Let them wonder who the hell you are with.

Let them try to digest the fact that maybe but just maybe you won’t reach out at all.

But why? How?

Let them wonder.

Previously, I have said that almost no one is sure about their decision 100%. At the time of the breakup they are sure enough to go for it but as time passes by and if you don’t do anything to reinforce their decision, they will gradually feel less confident.

This doubt and curiosity about you would soon lead to the third phase.

Stage Three : Anxiety

When your ex reaches this stage, they start to think that you are moving on even if they want you back you may not come back. If they still have some interest in you, this will show and they will feel anxious about the probability of losing you.

As you may have noticed, I said “probability of losing you”. Because if you want your ex back, they should not think they have already lost you. For this reason do not try to show off like you have completely moved on. Don’t try to make them jealous and don’t share photos of yourself with others as if you are with them now.

Your ex should not know whether you have moved on or you still want them. Both these extremes are fruitless. All they need to know is that you can live your life without them, you are not desperate and you are moving on. Your ex would think more about you if they are not sure about your feelings. Mystery is more effective than sure things. If they don’t know you are gone or not, they would think more about you. As great philosopher Tom Petty once said, “the most difficult thing is waiting.” It is difficult to live in uncertainty.

But you would want your ex to be uncertain about you: What is he/she doing now? Why haven’t he/she called me? Is he/she moving on? God, maybe he/she has already moved on. Maybe he/she found someone else!

You want your ex to think about these and ask these questions. Mystery is attractive. Uncertainty is difficult to handle. Never doubt the attractiveness of mystery and power of uncertainty.

The uncertainty, the prospect of losing you forever, the anxiety and fear coming with these thoughts will push your ex to harbour a stressful idea: If he/she does not reach out to you, you may not reach out to him/her forever! At this point, your ex will really feel the consequences of the breakup and start to doubt about their decision. If you were in touch with them, showing your sadness and desperation to them, showing how much you want them back, your ex would never pass the relief stage. You would be making it much easier for them to move on. They would never need to reconsider the breakup decision.

Why would they?

You would be there waiting anyway. They could come back to you anytime they want and you would accept them back. Why not to explore other options? If I promise to give you as much money as you want, why wouldn’t you go and gamble as much as you want. There is no risk and loss for you. If you are promising your ex as much interest as they want, why wouldn’t they go and gamble in the relationships arena? If they lose they can come back to you. Isn’t it pathetic to be Plan B for your ex? But when you pursue them, plead for a fresh start, you are exactly putting yourself in this position: Plan B.

Most people find No Contact Rule counterintuitive. They think if you don’t constantly contact your ex, they will forget about you and it will be easier for them to move forward. But life does not work like this! If you contact them and show them your interest, you make it easier for them to forget you and move forward.

Even if the relationship was over because you were not showing enough interest and love, you should apply no contact after being dumped. Because you are not in a relationship anymore, you were dumped. Don’t think this is the time to show more interest, affection and love. If you do that, you tell them this: “If I want more love and affection, I need to dump him/her.” This is also not very attractive. You still need to apply No Contact Rule and once you meet, then you can start to show (not talk about) the chance.

Stage Four : Reaching Out

Once your ex understands the fact that you won’t contact them if they don’t contact you, they would realize that they would lose you. This is the time they contact you. But don’t expect some overt confession of wrongdoing. They won’t call you and say “I regret for the break up, please take me back!” This may happen but it is rare. In most cases, ex messages a simple “Hi (How are you?)” or something simple like that.

In other words, your ex would not jump into the water directly. They would first put their toes into the water to test it. Because at this point, they would know that they may lose you and they are afraid of being rejected by you. What you should do is, assume that your ex reaches out to you because they want to meet you. This may be true or not, but in most cases this is the situation and this should be your attitude. You should also not behave cold, angry or depressed. You should be nice, polite, calm and fun. This way you achieve three things:

Behave like a strong, desirable person who was not devastated by the breakup and has his/her life in control.

Make your ex comfortable to call or message you more.

Make your ex to associate you with positive feelings.

There is no guarantee that your ex would go through these steps. But if you are applying no contact rule, they would go through these stages in most cases. Trust the No Contact Rule and let your ex go through these steps on their own pace. In many cases you make things faster if you spend more time and energy on them. But this is not one of those cases. Time is an important part of this formula. You would like to make your ex look back and start to feel the full consequences of the breakup.

Meanwhile, don’t wait for your ex. Move forward. Move forward as if you want to start a new life and your ex is just an option from now on. 

Next Chapter Putting your ex on pedestal