My ex blocked me
“Help! My ex blocked me! What should I do?”
Let me give you the short answer before going into the details:
“If your ex blocked you, do not try to reach them using other communication channels!”
This is the most common question I hear from people who call me for consultation. This is maybe because people at this stage think that they ran into a wall and they need help.
I have consulted many people who tried to reach out to their ex after they are blocked from one or more channels. Some of these people showed up to their workplace or apartment when all online communication methods were blocked.
I understand your situation. When something like this happens, you are overwhelmed by your fear and anxiety. You feel like you are losing your ex forever and you have to do something. You have to do something NOW! You have to talk to them now and turn this or they are gone forever! And if you cannot call or message them, you think it is wise to show up at their workplace or home.
BUT if you do that, your ex will feel anger and disgust. In some cases they may call the police on you or become violent towards you.
Why?
Think about it. Let’s say your sibling is angry at you and does not want to talk to you or see you at the moment. He locked himself up in his room. You knocked on the door but he told you to go to hell.
Now if you don’t let him cool down and come to you on his own and go out to his room window and jump into his room from the window, what will he think? Will he say “oh look, this is very clever and I am so happy you jumped in from the window when the door was locked!”? NO. He will get more angry and disappointed. He already told you he does not want to see you. The door is locked for a reason. He will now think you are pathetic and weak. He will think you are totally disrespectful to him and he now does not want to see you for a longer time.
This move will not make you clever or strong. It will show how weak you are. You need to chase people even if they don’t want you at that moment. Whoever the person is, you do not want them to see you weak and pathetic. You don’t want them to think that you cannot control your emotions and you have no respect for yourself because you almost beg to be in a place where you are not wanted.
When your ex blocks you, don’t reach them out by other means.
Don’t send them emails, hand written mail.
Don’t ask someone else to reach out to them on your behalf.
Don’t message them in social media accounts.
Don’t call them from other phones.
AND PLEASE DON’T PHYSICALLY SHOW UP AT THEIR WORK OR HOME OR ANYWHERE NEAR THEM.
They blocked you because they don’t want to talk to you.
Forget about the Hollywood bullshit. Chasing someone who does not want you is not romantic or noble. It is weak, pathetic and very dishonorable. Your ex will lose respect and the remaining interest he or she has left for you.
“But my ex blocked me only on whatsapp. So I can reach her/him on Facebook or call. Can’t I?”
Don’t do this. Blocks are general even if you are blocked on one or more communication channels but other channels are not blocked. They still don’t want you to reach out. So don’t reach out by other channels. Don’t try to walk around the block. You should show your ex that you won’t do anything to reach out. You should show them that you have enough self respect to not reach out to someone who blocked you.
Yes, you love them and you need to reach out to them. This will make you (temporarily) feel good. You want to reach out because you are afraid you will lose them if you don’t do something. But if you reach out, they will think you are weak, needy, lacking self respect and sometimes even creepy. None of these are attractive.
Underlying reason may vary but your ex dumped you because they are not that attracted to you anymore. No one dumps someone who they are head over the heels in love with. So it is not wise to be more unattractive when their attraction level is low anyway. You need to be more attractive, not less. So don’t be needy. Don’t be unattractive.
Why had your ex blocked you?
There are several reasons for this. I will go through the most common ones here.
You overpersued
Most people are blocked by their ex partners because they over pursue after the breakup. Many people cannot accept the breakup and instead of going into no contact, they plead, beg, cry or even vomit rage onto their ex partners. This eventually makes their ex to block them.
The dumper would initially be polite to the calls and messages but would still try to make the dumpee know that they don’t like the messages and calls. If the dumpee focuses on the fact that they are getting responses instead of the obvious short, cold and delayed nature of the responses, they will eventually face overt resistance. The dumper usually requests time and space. If the dumpee cannot stop messaging and calling, they will be blocked.
Once a man was dumped and his ex girlfriend wanted some time and space. He later called her just after 4 hours and asked “was this time and space enough for you?”. This is an extreme example of the detachment from reality exhibited by many dumpees. If someone wants time and space from you, they are the one who need to come back when they think it was enough. If you still pursue and ask, you would be blocked.
I don’t mean you should wait for them to call back when they want time and space from you. Because when someone wants time and space from you, he/she is giving time and space to you too. You should behave like they will never call back even if you are hoping they will. You should focus on yourself and if they don’t call back in a few weeks, you should start to look for your next relationship. If they come back on time before you find someone else, you may consider to give them a chance. If not, they lose their chance. It is their fault and their problem. Not yours.
Breakup pain
Another common reason for blocking you is the breakup pain especially if you are not over pursuing them. Your ex may be suffering when they see you online or your social media account. They may be feeling sad when they see your photo. Although you suffer much more, a post breakup period is also difficult for your ex.
Now when you hear this you may say “if this is the situation, it is easy to fix it. I can reach out to my ex and reduce their pain.”
NO! A big NO!
If you want your ex back, it is a good thing they are suffering post breakup. If you let them live the consequences of their action, they are more likely to come back. If seeing you online or your social media hurts them, the fact that you are no longer in their life will also hurt. Blocking you will not reduce the pain. If you reach out, they will feel better and the urgency to reach out to you will disappear. If you don’t reach out even after they block you, they will feel more pain. This is their decision and they know that they are suffering because of their decision. So DO NOT REACH OUT to your ex! Let them feel the pain of the breakup. I know you don’t want them to suffer but they have to feel the consequences of their decision.
Your ex does not want you to suffer
Your ex may also block you because they don’t want you to suffer. This is almost ghosting which is painful and confusing for the dumpee. But a person who is emotionally lazy and weak would do this. They feel guilty and they don’t want to feel more guilty. They probably don’t want to have stressful arguments with you or maybe they don’t want you to see their life and feel more pain.
Again, don’t reach out to them. Let them feel full consequences of the breakup. Let them see that you are not trying to reach out, you are not fighting for them. Let them wonder why you don’t do anything and what you are doing.
Revenge
Sometimes an ex may block you to take revenge. I hope this is not the case for you. If your ex is angry with you, they may block you to hurt you. Again don’t try to reach them out.
Trapping
Another reason for your ex to block you is to trigger you to call them. This frequently happens when you suddenly go into no contact and do not reach out. Your ex is expecting you to pursue more and when you stop doing that (or better if you have never done that) they sometimes try to trigger you to reach out. If this is the case your ex will probably block and unblock you a few times to make you feel that you can now call because you are unblocked.
NEVER!
Don’t reach out to your ex if you are unblocked. Don’t forget the rule: You will not reach out to your ex until they message you or call you. Most people reach out after they are unblocked and most of them are left heartbroken and very disappointed after doing this.
Be patient. If your ex is trying to make you call or message and you don’t fall into this trap, they will most probably call or message you.
Your ex doesn’t like you
Yes this is not something easy to digest but your ex may not like you and block you. They probably won’t like you if you were separated after a big fight or there was cheating, insults, violence, bad words about their family, etc. And if they don’t like you, they may block you.
Don’t reach out, keep your cool and self respect. You probably want to apologize and tell them you were wrong but you will need to wait until they reach out.
I also suggest you walk away as if they won’t come back because if this is the reason, you have a relatively lower chance to get your ex back. BUT even in this situation, odds are higher than one would expect. So don’t panic or lose hope. I have seen many dumpers who came back after they completely wrote off their ex.
Blocks are temporary
If your relationship was good except maybe for the last few days or weeks, the blocks are usually temporary.
When your ex unblocks you, they know you will realize you are unblocked. This is very good for you because this shows your ex is looking towards you. They are OK to let you know that you are not blocked anymore.
Your ex may be thinking that they overreacted or gone too far by blocking you. You can overreact to someone when you love that person and regret later.
If you follow the No Contact Rule, give them the time and space, you show them that you are a mature and strong individual who is firmly in touch with reality. You show your emotional strength.
A weak, immature person who is not in touch with reality will bang on someone's door when they are blocked. Even if their ex does not want to talk to them at that moment, they don’t accept this and shout “NO, you have to take me in!”. This is begging and it is very very unattractive. It is actually very scary and creepy too.
Just because of this pathetic behavior, your temporary block may be permanent. Who would want a weak, creepy, insecure person in their life?
A person who has no self respect, who tries to force himself/herself on someone else is unattractive. People escape from this kind of person. On the other hand, a person who keeps his/her distance, who does not need to cross someone’s boundaries or pursue them is attractive.
And when it comes to relationships, Hollywood style, empty, pathetic and heavenly love is meaningless compared to attraction. In fact, the real love is to respect your ex partner's decision. Not banging on the door when you are blocked, not pursuing them when you are dumped shows your love for them. Yes, your love. Love is always related to what you want at that moment. Love is occasionally respecting their boundaries and giving what they want even if this is not what you want. Even if what they want is painful for you.
If you don’t try to walk around the block and leave them alone, you show your love and gain their respect and attraction. You become more attractive by walking away. You may not look at this in the same way and I am not accusing you of being a stalker or creep. But trying to force yourself onto someone (plus that someone blocked you), trying to intrude from the chimney when the door is slam shut to your face, begging to be taken in, etc. looks creepy. Yes maybe your heart is full of love and you are doing these out of love. But it still will look creepy.
Control your emotions and needy side. Don’t fall prey to your fears and insecurities. Be patient. This is how someone wins. You want this person back, you want to win. But to win, you need to be patient, intelligent and disciplined. To win, you need to be strong even under extreme stress and pain.
“But I am afraid that I am blocked forever!”
If your ex blocked and unblocked you before, it is most probably temporary. Let them block you. Let them feel the void left behind by you.
“But if I don’t contact my ex, how will he/she know I am strong, respectful? I over pursued him/her a lot. Now I have changed but how will I show this to him/her?”
Don’t worry. If you do not try to walk around the block, your absence will show them you have changed. You were begging before but now you have disappeared. This is a strong message.
Why you are blocked does not matter.
Don’t try to find out why you are blocked. Don’t think about it. Why you are blocked does not matter, at least until your ex reaches out to you.
Why?
You are reading this book, you know why. You are in No Contact and except one scenario you won’t reach out anyway. In fact, it does not practically matter for you whether you are blocked or unblocked. You won’t reach out anyway. You will concentrate on your life, burn your frustration in self development and become the best version of yourself. Your ex will reach out to you or you are out. They will reach out and try to get you back or you will find someone better.
The only reason you should reach out when you are blocked.
If your ex blocked you for something you have not done or said, you can reach out and explain the truth. For example your ex things you have cheated on him/her but you have not done anything like that. Or they misunderstood something. Or someone framed you for something you did not do. In this case, you can walk around the block and reach out to your ex. But even then, do not reach out immediately after you are blocked. Let your ex cool down for a few days and then reach out.
Being blocked is a test
If your ex blocks you, I suggest you look at this as a test. This is a test where you can show how a mature, strong, confident, respectful and loving person you are. You can show you are able to control your emotions and continue your life even after painful separations. This is a test where you can show you are a desirable, attractive catch.
Don’t get me wrong, your ex is not testing you intentionally. Actually if your ex was doing this to test you, I would tell you to walk away and never accept this pathetic person to come to your life again.
But if you don’t try to reach out to your ex until they reach out to you and focus on yourself, your ex will soon look back and see how you have proven to be a catch. This will 100% fuel their respect for you and most probably increase their interest in you. If you don’t reach out, they will reach out to you sooner.
Next Chapter Mind Reading - What my ex is thinking?
Comments
Post a Comment