How to get your ex back?

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Previous Chapter:  Working with your ex

In this section, we will dive deep into the answer. We will take a look at it in several steps.

Step 1

 First of all, you need to understand the current situation.

Why were you dumped?
What happened?
Was there infidelity?
Were you fighting a lot?
Was it money?
Was it kids?
Were you happy together?
Was there any abuse, violence or any bad talk? 

You need to think about these questions and you need to be as objective as possible. I strongly suggest you write the answers down because this will really force you to think and see things which you would miss if you only think about them.

After thinking about these questions, you need to realize this: Your ex partner did not dump you with a sudden urge. They did not wake up one day and decided to breakup with you. If this was the case you don’t need to worry about it anyway because in this case, your chance to get your ex back is extremely high (if the sudden decision is not based on adultery, abuse or some significant disrespect).
But most cases are not like this and your ex went through a weeks or months long process until they came to this decision. You should assume this decision has a history and you need to think about what happened and why it came to breakup.

Step 2

Once you have some idea about the why, then you can start to think about how you can get your ex back.

For example, assume that your ex dumped you because you are not an ambitious person. You don’t have a mission and goals and if you have, you are not pursuing them. They have not seen a future with you and they dumped you.
What would you do now?

You will start to change this. You will find a mission and set goals. If you already have them, you will start to work on them.

Don’t think this as trying to change yourself to please someone else. Don’t think you need to sacrifice who you are in order to get back someone. Yes, maybe this may look like that but in most cases it is not.

Think about it. Was your ex right about you? Maybe you really do not chase your goals and dreams. Maybe you only talk about them but you don’t walk the walk. Maybe, this breakup is a wake up call for you. Maybe, it is a symptom of some underlying problem with you. Forget about your ex, maybe this is harming you. Maybe this will be a problem in your next relationship.

Maybe you want to be a lawyer but you are just talking about it. You have taken no steps to achieve this goal. You have no ambition to be someone. Don’t you think this is a problem and you need to fix this problem? Don’t you think you need to fix this even if you get your ex back or not?

Step 3

Now you know why you are separated and you know how to fix it.

Great! You can call your ex and tell her you will change.

Unfortunately you can’t. Do not contact your ex. We have already talked about this. 

• You do not contact your ex until they contact you.
• Don’t message or call.
• Don’t write email or mail (please especially no hand written, out of your heart mails!)
• Don’t follow their social media accounts.
• Don’t watch their whatsapp or instagram stories, like their posts or comment on their posts.
• Don’t constantly check their online status.

Don’t talk about them with your common friends and don’t reach out to her friends and relatives.

If you talk to your ex partner’s friends and relatives, you are indirectly contacting your ex. If they want to talk to you, politely say you are fine and just change the topic. But NEVER talk about your ex and the breakup. If they ask you how you are, just tell them “I am fine.” Don’t let them know that the breakup hit you like a truck. Be composed, calm and normal. Show emotional strength. Relatives and friends of your ex (including your mutual friends) will tell almost everything about you to them. Let them tell how strong, calm and cool you are.

The only thing your ex and her friends should know is that you are as strong as a rock and as cool as James Bond. As far as they are concerned, you are focused on your life, walking to your next adventure in life. You are not desperate, you are not crying and you are not frozen in time. You are not waiting for your ex to come back.
(Of course, never ever say these to them. Your actions should show. Wording any of these things will show you as butt hurt.)

This no contact will go on on special days. No birthday call. Even if they called you on your birthday before the no contact. You will not call them even if there is death in their family.

It is better if you can be inactive in social media for a while. Don’t block them. If they unfollow you, you also unfollow them but don’t block them. Don’t delete their number. Let them reach out to you easily if they want to. You just need to stay away from social media for a while and don’t update your social media accounts.

If your ex reaches out, you will message back and talk. We will cover how you will do that. If they reach out to you, this means they are thinking about you enough to reach out to you. This is a good thing.

But if your ex doesn't reach out to you again, you will never communicate with them again. You need to be that strict.

Look, I am not suggesting you play a game here. Your heart is not a toy. If your ex does not reach out to you, he/she will lose you. You are not just sitting there to wait for them to call you. This is only a part of contact. You are moving away. If they don’t reach out on time, they should lose you.

You don’t stay and try to make your ex to get you back. This is weak and pathetic. And it does not work.

IF YOU ARE OFFERED SOMETHING MUCH LESS THAN YOUR EXPECTATION IN A PERSONAL AND COMMERCIAL NEGOTIATION, THE STRONGEST POSITION YOU CAN TAKE IS CLEARLY COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU WANT AND THEN  WALKING AWAY. NO BLUFFING, REAL WALKING AWAY.

Step 4

You have to start to heal from the breakup immediately after that difficult day. Whether you get back your ex back or not you have to get back your power. In many cases, ex reaches out in a few weeks but because the dumpee does not do anything to recover from the breakup (and gets worse indeed week by week) and to improve himself/herself, the ex partner regrets coming back and moves away again.

Some people really think they should just stay at that desperate point where they were left otherwise the ex will not come back or if they come back, they won’t be able to find the dumpee. They are scared of walking away and focusing on their lives as if this will make the ex decide not to come back. Some even behave as if there is an invisible connection between them and the ex. They behave like they need to keep this connection alive and if they don’t wait for the ex, chase them or walk away, that connection will be lost. These are of course total BS.

You have to focus on yourself and you should start to make yourself and life better. This is good for you and for your wish to get your ex back. Don’t just sit on the couch with a big ice cream bowl and cry yourself to sleep in front of the TV. There is now a burning pain in you and you can channel it to work. You can burn the pain in the gym, in social life, in learning something new, etc. Don’t be afraid to walk away as if this will scare your ex. It won’t. Don’t be afraid of getting your power back to a point where you start to consider not getting them back even if they want to.

Most people are asking the wrong question:

“How do I get my ex back?”

Most people think about “winning” the ex back. There is no “winning” your ex back. You have been dumped, they dumped you! You won’t get them back. If there will be a relationship again, they will come and win you over.

So the correct question is this:

“How do I make my ex want to get back to me?”

Think about this. You are dumped. Your ex is probably not a bad person. If they were, why would you want them back anyway? Just dumping you does not make anyone a bad person. But your ex partner’s sub conscious harbors a mean thought:

“I dumped him/her. Then I am more powerful.”

You also subconsciously think the same:

“He/she dumped me. Then he/she is more powerful than me.”

The main function of No Contact Rule is to correct this power imbalance. From the moment you clearly communicated your desire to be back but walked away, the power balance starts to correct as long as you follow the no contact rule. This process is slow and can take weeks or sometimes months to reach to a power equilibrium again but as long as you follow the No Contact Rule, the power imbalance will be corrected. It will also probably shift in your favour. And this equilibrium or power shift is what you need to focus on.

Why?

Most of you won’t like to hear this but relationships are somehow power games. In this game, power shifts between two parties if the relationship is healthy. But when one becomes the weak party for a long time, they become unattractive.
Chasing your ex, pleading, crying, begging, being friends, etc. are all weaknesses. Ignoring your life, your job, your goals, etc. after breakup are weaknesses. “If you pursue hard enough, he/she will come back” is a bedtime story popular in TV shows, movies and novels but not a winning strategy in the real world.
Actually, opposite is true:

THE BEST WAY TO DRAW ATTENTION OF SOMEONE IS TO DRAW AWAY YOURS.

As far as you are concerned, you are strong and you will not pursue someone who does not want to be with you. You are using this opportunity to improve yourself and you are moving forward in your life. Your ex is losing you slowly and believe me, if you do not contact, they will realize this fact sooner or later. Let them realize that you are moving away and if this is a problem for them, they will reach out. And don’t forget this: if it is a problem for them now, you can make it no problem for them if you non stop pursue them.

In fact the only way to make your ex to call you is to move towards a new life where you can find new people. Most people are afraid to move forward because they are afraid of losing their ex if they don’t wait at the point where they were left. This is not true and actually if you wait for them, they won’t come back. 

You will be with yourself from now to the day you die. They come back or not, you would want to live with a better version of yourself. Not a depressive, obsessive version.

Next Chapter Mistakes that will make you lose your ex forever