Staying friends with your ex

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Friendships are good and I am not against having friends. You may have male and female friends and they can add a lot of value to your life. But a romantic relationship and friendship are completely different things.

Many dumpers ask to stay friends with their ex partners. They usually ask this out of politeness and actually do not want to be friends with their ex lovers. They know how difficult the breakup for you is and they don’t want to pull the entire rug under you. They think this will make you more devastated than necessary so they offer “friendship”. Or they just do this so as not to be seen as heartless psychopaths.

Don’t get me wrong, these are not calculated thoughts. They are subconscious thoughts. On the surface, they probably think that they want to be friends with you. But in reality they usually have no intention to continue to have a platonic relationship with you. They may think they want it but if you buy into it and start to see them as friends, they will soon realize that this is not what they want. Some dumpers really try to stay as friends with their ex partners but this usually does not last long and end good.

Another common reason for the friendship offer is that the dumper does not want to deal with the void left behind you. These people usually say something like “please I want to be friends, I don’t want to lose you.” This usually means “Please I want to be friends, I don’t want to lose you until I get over you.” This is an offer for you to be their emotional tampon. You may think that if you are around them as friends, they won’t get over you. But in reality this will help them to get over you faster. And worse, this will in fact make you not get over them.

But whatever the reason is, you should always reject these friendship offers. You should also never bring it up and offer it. After you are dumped, you should go into No Contact Rule. Don’t be a satellite around their orbit.

Friendship offers are very cheap compared to what you want. You want a romantic relationship which is higher value but you are offered lower value friendship. Think about it. You have a house and it has a market value of 500,000 USD. If someone offers 100,000 USD, would you accept it?

NO.

This house is worth 5 times of the offer. Your interest in your ex is worth 500K but friendship values it as 100K.

No fucking way! You have to reject it. But how?

Be polite and say something like this:

“Thank you but I don’t want to be friends with you, I want to have a relationship. Friendship will not work for me. But if you change your mind please let me know.”

Again be polite and calm but be firm. Do not get angry or emotional. This is very important. You need to say these in a polite and calm manner.

And after you say this, walk away and never look back until they decide to reach out to you. Yes, after you say this you start NO CONTACT.

You should avoid behaving overtly emotional and angry. You should avoid pleading, begging and crying. Otherwise every time your ex considers getting back with you, they will remember these painful and emotional behaviours. They will think “if we get back together and things don’t work out, I will need to go through that shit again.” It may sound counterintuitive but you should make the breakup as easy as possible for your ex.

If you love someone, you should be able to let them be free. If you accept the friendship offer which is there out of politeness and guilt, you will still be attached to your ex and they won’t be free.

Besides, friendship with your ex would be very difficult and harmful for you. If they start a new relationship, this will be in front of your eyes. And as long as you are around them, they will always think that you want to get back together. This will make you look weak. If you stay friends with your ex, you will not have energy to focus on your life, improving yourself and finding a new love.

Yes, you want to get back together. And you want to be near them and you think friendship is better than nothing. But this will significantly reduce your chance to get back together. Do you want this to happen? You won’t climb back from friendship to partner status. Forget about it.
Simply reject this offer. And then walk away and don’t look back.

But sometimes you need to see your ex even if you don’t want to be friends with them. You may be working and studying in the same place.You may be living nearby or you may have common friends. So you may need to see them even if you want to stay away. If this is the situation, how will you apply No Contact Rule?

Well don’t behave like they are your friends. Many people reject friendship offers but then behave like friends in the same environment they work or study with. Don’t do this.

Keep minimum and polite interaction required in the work or school environment. But don’t communicate otherwise. Don’t meet them separately and try to interact with them less. In your interactions don’t be cold, don’t be rude but also don’t behave like they are your friends. When you are doing this, don’t look like butt hurt.

Next Chapter Should i contact my ex on valentine's day, his/her birthday or any special occassion?