How to Get Over Breakup Pain?
It may sound very counterintuitive but if you want to get your ex back, you need to leave them behind and immediately focus on healing from the breakup. If you cannot heal from this pain and start to get over your ex, you will be powerless and your ex will have the power and it will be difficult for you to get him/her back.
Many people would ask:
“If I don’t chase my ex and instead turn my back to them, don’t I lose them?”
NO. Or at least this will not increase your chance to lose them. Opposite is true. This will increase your chance to get your ex back.
Think about your ex as a cat. If you chase a cat, it will escape far away from you. A person wants you less, not more, if you start to chase them especially when this is not reciprocal.
This process is more of a healing process than forgetting and getting over. Getting over breakup pain will serve you in many ways. You will learn outcome independence. When you are outcome independent, you are more likely to achieve that desired outcome. So when you are outcome dependent, you are less likely to achieve that desired outcome. This may sound stupid and counterintuitive but this is how life works.
First Step
Start going to a gym. There are very few things more emotionally healing than exercise. Exercise will make you feel better because your body releases certain hormones during and after exercise and these hormones make you feel better. Feeling better makes you happier and more attractive. Exercise also makes you healthier and physically more attractive.
Depression after breakup is quite common. A breakup causes the body to release hormones which make you feel bad. After breakup, you also lack oxytocin hormone which you effectively release thanks to your relationship. This hormone is highly addictive and suddenly losing it would pull you down. Exercise would at least remove some of the bad effects of this hormonal imbalance.
Second Step
Spend time in nature. Go for a walk, go out and go to nature. You will be surprised how healing this simple step is.
Third Step
This is something people don’t want to hear: TIME.
Time is everything. You cannot leave your own healing to someone else’s schedule. Everytime I hear something like “It has been 4 months, you should already get over him/her” I always think how rude and empty these words are. This is not something that easy to brush off. This person meant a lot for you.
If you continue to be the part of the solution and improve yourself in every possible way, the pain will go when it is meant to go. Do not reject your own feelings. Sometimes you would want to lie on the bed and cry. As long as you do not cry all day, do not resist this. Lie down and cry.
Sometimes you will feel very bad all day and you will not be able to stop thinking about your ex. As long as you don’t call them, let the pain go through. Be patient but confident that these waves of pain will get weaker and weaker and eventually go away if you don’t give into them. To heal, feel these emotions, live them and leave them behind.
Fourth Step
Talk about your pain with someone. As you talk, you will release the pain, anger and sadness. If you think that the pain will be worse if you talk about it, you are wrong. Talking will release the pain and make you feel better. Don’t ignore these feelings and don’t escape from them. Avoiding them will only make them worse.
“I talk about this a lot with my friends and family but they are sick of it!”
Yes they will be sick of it. They are not bad people but it is very difficult for them to understand your pain.
So who should you talk to?
First of all, this person should have no contact with your ex and you need to be sure that he or she will not talk about you to your ex. For example a therapist is a good start. You can go to the forums or Youtube channels about it. You can also register for a coaching session (my email is at the end) and talk to me :)
You don’t necessarily talk to get advice. Just talk to release your emotions. If you cannot find anyone to talk to then write your emotions down.
Fifth Step
Go out and know new people. This may be difficult to do in the first month and so but go out and start to look for a new special someone. Yes, you will first feel like no one can be like him/her but the person you meet does not necessarily be like them. As long as you feel better than you would be alone and you are moving forward in life, don’t compare the people you meet with your ex. This is not fair. You are comparing an illusion with a real person. This illusion is perfected with your obsession which is fueled by rejection and natural human inclination is towards only remembering good stuff from the past relationship.
Sixth Step
Apply No Contact Rule.
Famous dating coach Corey Wayne explains this best:
“The strongest position you can have in life and business is to walk away and mean it. Don’t bluff, walk away and never look back unless your ex reaches out.”
Once you communicate your desire to continue the relationship but accept the breakup, walk away and don’t look back. If your ex still values you and has some interest in you, they would reach out to you.
If they reach out, just focus on arranging a fun date. Date, have fun and enable the road to intimacy. Don’t talk about the past, don’t talk about your past relationship.
Since they left and threw the relationship to dustbin, they should be the one bringing the relationship to the table.
But if you are the dumper and you regret your decision, you should be the one reaching out. Apologize for what you have done and ask for a meet up. If your ex doesn't want to meet you, tell them to call you back if they change their mind. Then walk away and don’t look back.
Give your ex the time and space to decide whether they want you back or not. Give them the gift of missing you, breakup and choice to choose you.
Reaching out to your ex and pleading with them to change their mind is a very weak position and usually backfires.
#1 - If you are the one who is dumped, communicate clearly that you don’t want to end the relationship but you accept it. And also communicate clearly that you are not accepting any “let’s just be friends” proposal. Then tell them to call you when they change their mind.
Let your ex exit your life and never reach them out under any circumstances. Never accept “friendship” offers.
It is either a relationship or you are out.
#2 – Walk away and never look back. This is the strongest position you can get when you are dumped. Tell your ex what you want and after they say they cannot give you what you want tell them to call you when they change their mind and tell them you are not interested in anything platonic.
Many dumpers will try to convince you to stay in touch as friends. Never accept this offer. Once you are friendzoned by your ex, it is quite difficult to exit there from the door you would want. Friendship is not congruent with what you feel and want. You need to behave congruent with your heart and mind.
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