My ex reached out to me how should I reply?

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As we have said before, you assume your ex wants to meet you when they reach out. Your goal is to ask for a meetup. Nothing else. You are not trying to restart your relationship on that one interaction, forget about that. Just focus on the next milestone. You won’t interact with them a lot in this first call or messaging session.

If your ex messages you and if you can see this without showing “seen” on the other side (i.e. on your status screen), don’t reply to the message immediately. It is best for you to wait for 1 or 1.5 hours. This will also give you some time to control your emotions.

You also try to keep the message length matching your ex partner’s message length. If they write “Hi, how are you?”, just write back “Hi, I am fine. And you?” Let them continue the message. If they don’t reply for hours, DON’T write anything else. Just be patient and wait. Show your ex that you are not waiting for them to send a message and also you are not pursuing them after getting a few messages from them.

Your ex will most probably continue the interaction. You should be calm, kind and fun. You can tease your ex a little bit.

Don’t go into a lengthy interaction. Many people make this mistake. Starting to talk or message for a long time will bore your ex and your ex may not reach out again.
Cut the conversation like this:

“Hey, it was good to hear from you. I would like to see you. When are you free to get together and chat?”

If your ex accepts this, arrange a meeting with a date - time - place set. Then, “See you then, take care.”

Let’s look at an example. This messaging happened 4 weeks after the girl dumped the guy. He was in no contact for 2 weeks and before that he did not pursue her a lot but on two occasions he reached out to the girl.

Girl: Hi.

Man: (1 hour later) Hi.

Girl: I saw pineapple in the market and it reminded you (he likes pineapple a lot).

Man: So cruel, I cannot find pineapple here but I want pineapple now :) (He was abroad that time and he cannot find pineapple in that country. Girl knows this because this business trip was planned 6 weeks ago).

Girl: :D

Girl: (10 minutes later) How are you?

Man: I am fine, and you?

Girl: I am fine too.

Girl: (5 minutes later) I missed talking to you.

Man: It is good to hear from you. I would like to see you. I am there next week, are you free to meetup on Thursday evening?

Girl: Yes I am.

Man: Ok great, let’s meet on Thursday at 7 PM in bla bla.

Girl: Ok. That place is near my office, I can make it at 7 PM.

Man: See you next Thursday then. Take care.

Girl: You too.

This is an ideal exchange and this couple got back together after that meeting.
Let’s dissect the conversation a little bit:

  • The guy does not ignore her message. He does not reply back immediately but he replies back. 
  • After 2 weeks his ex girlfriend messages him and he is ready because he knows the steps of No Contact Rule. 
  • He assumes that his ex is reaching out because she wants to see him. 
  • Replies “hi” with a “hi”. He doesn’t pursue it. Waits for her to reply. 
  • He is fun (pineapple reply), calm and easy going. This makes her laugh. He reached out twice before and in the first one he was a little bitter. But now, he is easy going and fun. He is not sad, bitter and he does not go into sobbing man mode. Many reply “how are you?” by “how can I be? You dumped me!”. Total loser mindset. Don’t do that.

She feels relaxed and she tells him she missed talking to him. He does not get emotional or go into a 2 hour long messaging. He instead set up a meeting.
After the meeting is set up, he cuts the messaging short but does this politely.

In the above example, the man suggests a specific date and time. You can also ask when your ex is available. Or if your ex is not available on the proposed date and time, you can ask when they would be available.

Let your ex start most of the messaging until you meet them. Don’t pursue your ex. You can keep the messages a little bit longer and send messages a few times but don’t pursue them. Don’t go into lengthy interactions. If you do that, you would not have a lot to talk on the actual meet up.

AND never call this meeting a date. Even if your ex tries to make you confess, never let them know that this is a date. I know for you it is kinda a date but keep it to yourself.

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